Day 10, Part One: Cosmo is an ass. Literally.

So what if Cosmo says your fat?
Well, I ain’t down with that!

Those immortal lines come courtesy of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s immortal song “Baby Got Back”. I might a well post the video as well, because the rest of this post is going to get a bit rant-y

Okay, now that I have had a mini dance party in my dorm, let’s talk about ass. Specifically, Cosmo’s view (no pun intended) on the ass.

The article “Cheeky, Cheeky” (Need To Know, page 198-199) is a far cry from the Cosmo of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s time, and gives “scientific” reasons as to why having a prominent “rear asset” is a good thing. I didn’t need Cosmo’s pseudoscience to know that having as ass was a good thing, and I also didn’t appreciate the picture they used to illustrate the article:

Why not use a side profile picture of Jessica Biel and her curves? Why did Cosmo decide that the best picture was one that showed that bright flashbulbs + sheer dress= HEY LOOK, JESSICA BIEL IS WEARING A THONG! Jessica Biel is an actor, who does have a lovely ass. However, without the rest of Jessica’s body, and her brain, her ass would mean nothing. Women are not the sum parts of their curves.

And Biel does have a nice ass, but is still a tall, thin actress. How would Cosmo feel about a woman whose curves did not fit the accepted norm, which seems to be “It’s okay if you have breasts/hips/curves/an ass, as long as every other part of your body is toned within an inch of your life”.

I like my ass. Sir Mix-a-Lot wouldn’t care for it, but it’s there, it provides a convenient cushion, and the Stig seems to appreciate it. But even on the days where I’m not wearing something that shows it off, and I’m wearing my baggy, painted-up jeans, I’m still me, and the Stig still seems to be attracted to me. I don’t think this fetishization of body parts that Cosmo is promoting is necessarily the best way to promote self-esteem.

The Cosmo science used in the article makes my bullshit meter beep crazily. Evidently, butt fat is good, but stomach fat is bad.

“Stomach fat is linked to a substance called cytokines, which cause unhealthy inflammations in the body…
…On the flip side, stubborn butt padding may produce a hormone that protects the arteries and promotes better blood-suger control and fat burning”

So, I need to find the magical diet and excercise which will burn away the fat in my stomach, but keep the fat in my butt intact.

Ever bend over in front of your guy or precede him up a flight of stairs and then turn around to find a dazed yet delighted look on his face? That’s because the sight of your butt puts a spell on the male brain

Because all men like looking at women’s asses. Evidently, queer men, and straight men who aren’t ass guys don’t exist. Mind you, the Stig does seem to appreciate my backside, but he’s not exactly blinded by it. Which is a good thing, because otherwise he would be constantly running into things in a daze. Which would be difficult to explain to his roomates/professors/etc.

The most BS-tastic aspect of this is the section on “Butt-Powered Orgasms”. Now, to the garden-variety perv like me, you would think the author would at least mention anal sex. Well, Cosmo is not meant for garden-variety pervs. It’s meant for those that think doggie-style is “racy”.

There are obvious ways your baskside brings you pleasure in the sack (having it grabbed and spanked is just the beginning). “The glutes form a strong support for the pelvic muscles, says Rachel Ross, MD, author of Down Right Feel Right: Outercourse for Her and Him. “This is key during sex, because an orgasm is essentially rapid contracting of your pelvic muscles, and having a strong base helps them to contract more easily”.

This is all true. But why did they not even mention anal sex, anal Kegels, or anything else related to non-penis-in-the-vagina-sex? Because evidently Cosmo ladies don’t do it in the butt.

This entry was posted in Body Image, Celebrity, Cosmo, Heteronormativity, Pop Culture, Print is dead, Sex, Women and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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