Day 13, Part Three: ALL YOUR ORGASM ARE BELONGING TO US

Evidently, it’s not enough for me to do crazily acrobatic sex moves, or put a scrunchie around the Stig’s gearshift*. In order to be a good girlfriend, I must be able to “Own His Orgasm!” (Love&Lust, page 160).

When I explained the premise of the article (“real guys” telling Cosmo what they liked their girlfriends to do right before they orgasm), The Stig responded with some pretty sage words:

How do you own his orgasm? Do you write your name on his package with his seed?

Now, that would be a bit more challenging and creative than the stuff that the Cosmo guys recommend:

“I had an ex who would suck and nibble on my earlobe as I ejaculated. Thos dual sensations…damn”–Gordon, 25

Uh, not all men are the same. Some men are not stimulated by ear sex. Sorry.

“Maintain eye contact with me. That kind of confidence is irresistible and allows us to acknowledge the intensity of the moment without words.”–Ken, 24

This is really difficult to do during doggie-style sex. But all of the orgasm owning advice, Mike takes the cake:

“It’s always hot to be told how good I feel inside a girl, but hearing how big and perfect my penis is as I’m hitting my peak makes me explode”–Mike, 30

This guy takes the term “stroking his ego” to entirely FAIL-tastic levels.

EDIT: Let’s all give a hand to Britni, for commenting with this clip from The Sweetest Thing. I wonder how many times Mike has heard of this song.

Instead of looking to Cosmo’s hand-picked douchenozzles, actually ask your significant other what they would like during sex. Really. It’s an entirely painless conversation, trust me.

*No, I am not-going to test drive this particular bit of advice. I have the feeling that that may end badly.

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This entry was posted in Advice, Cosmo, Mansplanation, Sex and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Day 13, Part Three: ALL YOUR ORGASM ARE BELONGING TO US

  1. Epiphora says:

    LOLOLOL OK Mike, have fun being single the rest of your life.

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