What with PostSecret having a Cosmo-related postcard, and Jezebel writing a response to one of Cosmo’s online articles, ERRBODY BE GETTIN’ UP IN MY GRILL.
Okay, enough silly pictures. For the most part, I’ve been keeping the material in Chronicles of a Cosmo Nut limited to the print magazine. But, since Jezebel pointed out the epic amounts of FAIL in the online piece “50 Great Things To Do With Your Breasts“, I’d figure I’d chime in.
But first, another picture of boobies:
SWEATER PUPPIES, SUPPORTING ACTRESSES, “THE GIRLS”, “THE TWINS”, WHOREBAGS–
(I mean, does Jezebel randomly link to Zero Punctuation? Of course not, because they are lame)
Anyway, on to the content: “50 Great Things To Do With Your Breasts” registers as “meh” after spending 21 days reading and reacting to Cosmo. There’s a lot of product placement, questionable uses of food and makeup, and an emphasis on “Pleasing Your Man”. Here are the worst offenders:
1. Go braless and wear a silk or combed-cotton tee—it’ll feel amazing brushing against your skin all day.
Okay, so this might be feasible if you have small breasts, and don’t have a job that requires business attire. But if you’re bigger than a B cup or work at a bank (or are a faculty member at SCAD–seriously what art school requires a dress code?), this isn’t really an option.
4. Score a perfect sunless boob tan: Shower and exfoliate, then put a dab of petroleum jelly on your nipples to make sure they keep their natural color. Evenly apply the self-tanning lotion or spray to your tatas, and lean forward for a few minutes to help them dry blotch-free.
8. This trick really makes your boobs look voluptuous: Stand in front of a mirror under an overhead light, and sweep bronzer over the dark areas underneath and between your breasts. Deepening the shadows that they create gives the impression of greater fullness.
15. Score a sexy, rosy glow by dotting on a pinkish-red stain, like Benefit’s BeneTint. Dab a small amount around your areolae and nipples, and blend well.
Makeup? On your breasts? But WHY? Who has the time to do this? What about the makeup/tanning cream getting on your clothes? Am I really supposed to say to the Stig “Hold on a minute, I have to go put contouring makeup on my boobs”? Did it ever occur to Cosmo that my breasts are perfectly fine without makeup or any of the nasty chemicals in tanning solution? Not to mention that tinting my nipples sounds scarily like My New Pink Button Lite.
13. Want to got braless to a party or bar? You can avoid the smuggling raisins effect by sticking on nipple concealers (try Low Beams, look for them on herlook.com)
God forbid someone sees NIPPLES! Because NIPPLES! are INAPPROPRIATE! Despite the fact that the nipple is frequently the first thing a baby sees. Ladies, hide your NIPPLES! under concealers that might irritate your NIPPLES!
16. Dare him to unhook your bra without using his hands.
No. Not happening. Ever.
18. Grab your vibrator while the two of you are in bed, and run it back and forth across your breasts and nipples for an added jolt of pleasure.
Okay, so this one actually sounds fun.
21. When you want to go purse-free, stick your ID and credit card in your cleavage. Try Victoria’s Secret Miraculous Push-Up—it adds up to two full cup sizes!
14. Slather the twins with edible lotion, like Victoria’s Secret Berry Passion, to give him a tasty surprise treat next time his lips are in the vicinity.
Gee, Cosmo, just how much money did you get from Victoria’s Secret, purveyor of racist Halloween costumes, to mention their products? Not to mention that I’m a B cup. The Miraculous Push-Up would give me D-cup breasts. Which would look ridiculous on my body. A friend who is far braver than I tried on the Miraculous Push-Up. A VS attendant asked her if she was okay, because she was laughing so hard in the dressing room.
27. Covertly flash him in an empty stairwell before a party, during a hike, in your car in the parking lot….
In the car? That’s going to end badly, no matter who was driving. “Uh, sorry Officer, I didn’t mean to rear-end that car and send a six-year-old flying through the window, but I thought it would be hot if I flashed my man while driving…”
49. Work silicone bra inserts in a tank top for a day and keep a tally of all of the men who stare at your cleavage.
Because it’s okay for men to only stare at your cleavage? Because all men are magically transformed into slobbering idiots when they see breasts? This is so wrong on so many levels, because it implies that all men prefer larger breasts, and that it’s acceptable for men to ogle at women, because as we all know, women are merely vehicles for breasts and asses to stare at and grab.
35. Make a donation to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation in honor of your boobs.
Oh, right. It’s October, which means BUY EVERYTHING PINK AND WE’LL DONATE A TEENY AMOUNT TO BREAST CANCER RESEARCH!!! and SAVE THE BOOBIES/TA-TAS/SECOND BASE T-shirts everywhere. Breast cancer isn’t a serious disease because it can lead to mastectomies. It’s a serious disease BECAUSE IT KILLS PEOPLE. The first person to make me a T-shirt that says “Save the Male G-Spot” for prostate cancer awareness gets a prize. Or something.
But really, this is another case where a concept (Love your body! Love your breasts!), goes horribly, horribly wrong when forced through the Cosmo machine of heteronormativity, body-shaming, blind consumerism, and just plain bad advice.
Speaking of which…
For touchable tatas, use this DIY mask: Mix two egg yolks (a natural skin softener) with one cup of beer. Dab the mix on your breasts, and rinse after 20 minutes.
I’m sorry, but if attempting to keep a pumpkin mask on my face for 10 minutes was a trial, I don’t even want to think about having to clean up after egg whites and beer. Beer is meant to be drunk, not wasted in Cosmo home remedies. Plus, the Stig seems to find my “tatas” touchable enough without me rubbing all sorts of lotions and potions on them. But, if women realized this, Victoria’s Secret stock would plummet. And we can’t have that happen ladies, amirite?