A Step-By-Step Guide to Approaching Me in a Bar.

One of the nice things about this quarter is that I can finally go out to the bars/dance clubs/other venues limited to the 21 and up set. This also means that I no have to navigate teh world of Assholes at Bars. So I figured a step-by-step guide to talking to women at bars would be helpful, and interesting.

1. So, you want to approach me? Say hi. Tell me your name. Offer to buy me a drink. Say someting interesting or funny. Do not approach me when you are completely blotto, because I will shoo you away. No one likes to get vomited on their shoes. If you want my number, ask for my number. Remember I *might* say no. Dont get pissy about it. If I don’t know you, I might not go home with you, not because I don’t want to sleep with you, but because I don’t want to become a grisly crime statistic. Also, if you’re significantly older than me, I’m not interested.

2. DO NOT:

Make a big deal if I say I’m here by myself.
Assuming I can’t possibly handle being at a familiar bar by myself is pretty patronizing. I know this bar, I know this bartender, and I have friends who will pick me up after I’m done. I don’t need Prince Charming to babysit me. On a related note, If I’m with a friend, this does *not* *ever* mean that we are available for a threesome. Unless you’re John Hamm, Daniel Craig, James Franco, Jorma Taccone or Zach Galifinakis.

Stare *only* at my chest.
Yes, I am wearing a low-cut top. It is okay to acknowledge that I am wearing a low-cut top. However, please make some eye contact with me. I’m not going to be interested in anyone who treats me as a disembodied pair of floating tits.

Assume that I will sleep with you because you bought me a drink.
Yes, you bought me a drink. I appreciate that. But If I’m not attracted to you, or interested in you, you’re not getting so much as my number. Sorry, life is hard.

Touch me.
Accidentally brushing up against me because the bar is packed is one thing. And if you need to get through, just say “excuse me”. Grabbing my arm, touching my back, or trying to not-so-subtlely cop a feel is just going to piss me off. I might not say anything, but, I’m definitely going to move, or tell you to go away, or get the cute bartender to throw you out. Now, if you need to tap on my shoulder to get my attention, fine. Just don’t make a habit out of it. Also, women will have differnet standards on touch. As a general rule of thumb, err on the side of caution when at a bar or a club. If she wants you to touh her/dance with her, she will let her feelings be clearly known.

Ask me how many times I’ve hooked up with people at this bar.
1. It’s not any of your goddamned business, and 2. If that’s your tactic to try and hook up with me, you fail. So. Hard. If you want to hook up with me,  see number 1.

I hear men complain a lot about how difficult it is to approach women at places like bars and clubs. And really, it shouldn’t be. It just takes the ability to read people. Is a girl having a good time with her friends? Say hi, she’s probably in a great mood. Is she sitting alone, knocking back shots, and ranting about the cruelties of life? Now is probably not a good time to deliver that killer pick-up line you’ve been practicing.

Yes, the occaisonal asshole might pick someone up with a crude offer to practice mating rituals. Why? Because when it comes to assholes, like usually prefers like. Whining about how you’re a “nice guy” who ever gets the girl because they all go for “assholes” is going to get you nothing but me drunkenly playing the world’s tiniest violin.

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