Day 23, Part Two: “Shocking Confessions” aren’t shocking, just stupid

Cosmo has their own, not particularly grown-up version of the “traumarama/embarrassing moments” fluff pieces found in teen magazines. Cosmo’s “confessions” (pages 64-66). Here are some lowlights:

“I needed to get a bikini was before a hot date…I decided to do it myself…i applied the strip carefully and then went to rip it off…only to pull off an entire layer of skin!…No suprise: I definitely didn’t get any action on my date”

Okay, that’s all I needed to convince me to never apply (or have someone else apply) hot wax on one of the most sensitive parts of my body. And FYI, If you’re going to throw a shit fit because your date/partner has public hair, and does not want to remove it, then you don’t deserve sex.

“In class one day, a cute guy behind me asked if he could borrow a pen…I stuck my hand in my purse, grabbed one, and thrust it behind me. He didn’t take it, so I began waving it around, thinking he might not have noticed my offer..To my horror, I discovered it wasn’t a pen but a tampon that I had been waving in his face.”

This story is so awful, that Cosmo gets a GuyExpert to weigh in. What he says is priceless (aka vomit inducing):

“First, you should acknowledge the mix-up to defuse ay awkwardness. Say “oops, sorry about that!” Later on, after class, use it as an opportunity to talk to him further. Then apologize again or mention how embarrassing it was”.

Unless GuyExpert entirely lacks common sense, it’s pretty obvious that handing him the tampon was a mistake. Why does GuyExpert need to tell this woman how to apologize? And really, is accidentally handing a guy a tampon really so embarrassing? What is this, middle school? NEWS FLASH: Many young women menstruate and carry tampons with them. They might accidentally drop them, or hand them to you. They are not going to give you cooties. Behaving like a dick will diminish your chances of having sex with them.

“I was subletting a room and living with someone I didn’t know. The girl was awful. Who was super conservative and disregarded anyone who didn’t share her beliefs…Whenever she was gone for an extended period of time, I would throw huge parties…One weekend, I was furious with her and so happy when she left. To ger back at her, I had crazy sex on her bed. She never knew, but it made me feel good every time I thought about it”.

Now, I don’t think I’d be thrilled if I wound up having a roommate who was a carbon copy of Elizabeth Hasselbeck/Sarah Palin/Christine O’Donnell, and I’d probably party whenever she was gone, but have sex on her bed? That’s entirely unacceptable, and a massive violation of trust. Would you want her decorating your bed with Chick Tracts?

Cosmo also has a few brief confessions under the title “My Dirty Little Secret”:

“I have the world’s biggest crush on my good friend…who’s a girl”
“No one knows I work as a phone sex operator. my friends know I handle ‘customer service’ but not exactly which kind”

Because bisexual/bicurious women, and women who are sex workers are not normal people who deserve respect and dignity, but people whose work and desires must be “dirty little secrets”. Headdesk.

Sharing embarrassing stories can be fun, and a great way to reduce stress and anxiety, but these stories aren’t disarming as much as they are entirely infuriating.

This entry was posted in Advice, Body Image, Cosmo, Heteronormativity, Mansplanation, Print is dead, Sex, Women and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Day 23, Part Two: “Shocking Confessions” aren’t shocking, just stupid

  1. Epiphora says:

    OMG, I am SOOOOO SORRY I handed you that tampon. No, really, I am SOOO SORRY YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I JUST AM REALLY SORRY.

    WTF, no.

  2. Julia M says:

    Being bisexual is SOOOOO dirty. How are you going to please your man in 43209 different ways each month if you also fantasise about girls?! SOMEBODY THINK OF THE POOR MEN!!

  3. HeatherLynn says:

    I love this entry so much. One of my favorite things to do is talk about how ridiculous Cosmo is. I’m so glad to hear there are more people out there who get as mad at it as I do. I have such a love hate relationship with the whole thing. On one hand I hate it, because how can you not? On the the other hand it is giving me something hilarious to blog about on a monthly basis. So torn…

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